I'm starting this blog to share my thoughts and emotions on my weight loss journey. I know that many women are on this path along with me, so I wanted to hopefully be an encourager and reassure everyone [and myself] that we can do anything through Christ who strengthens us!
I went to the doctor about 3-4 months ago and he classified me as morbidly obese. What. ...I was horrified and humiliated. My first thought was "how did this happen to me?" I used to be active and fit. I was never satisfied with my body, but I was never "morbidly obese." He put me on a weight loss pill called "Adipex." It "tricks your nervous system to make your body feel as if you're not hungry." Hm. Healthy? Probably not so much...but I trust my doctor and I know he wouldn't put me on something that was harmful to me or my body. I'm still praying about whether or not I want to continue this. You can pray for me for that as well. :)
So how did this blog and the idea of "Love Jesus Love Your Body" start? Well I was on my way home to Chicago from Indiana (which is about a three hour drive) and God gave me a vision and a promise of a testimony. It wasn't anything like from the movies where His Thunder and Lightening struck down and made my car swerve into a deep forest where I saw the Fire of God. Absolutely not...it was just a very quiet whisper in my heart...more like thoughts in my head that I knew couldn't be mine. God is so real and alive!
The thoughts/God's voice were as follows: I've been struggling with body image since I was little. I remember not being able to fit into my "My Size Barbie" outfit that I got for Christmas. I was a dancer since I was 2 and a half and the owner would tell my mom to tell me to only eat 1/2 of what I usually do before recital time. Bless both of their hearts....Pat was only trying to help...and it probably did! But it made me feel fat and I started to compare my body to the girls in my dance classes. (FYI..I don't blame ANYONE. I take full responsibility for my actions and I blame no one other than myself.) Another contributing factor is today's society. The "perfect woman" is airbrushed and fake. The standard is unreachable for most women. So as one can see....I've struggled for as long as I can remember with my body image. Because of that, I developed unhealthy eating patterns. For a while I ate almost nothing. At another time I would binge eat. I didn't love my body, and I treated it that way.
My aim isn't to be obsessed with my weight. I want/need a lifestyle change. A change in my mindset. I want to genuinely love my body. Not in a cocky way, but in a way that I can take pride in taking care of myself. I desire to be the weight and body type that the Lord wants me to be at. I desire to please Him with the way my body looks and the way that I think of my body. I'm not aiming to be a stick skinny super-model. I desire to be healthy. The weight for a 5'8" woman is 135-160 lbs. That is what I'm aiming for. Along with being that weight, I intend on using my body for Him. I'm missing out on life! I hate to have my picture taken, I'm not as active as I once was, the thought of going to the pool isn't fun for me but border-line embarrassing. Jesus died on the cross to give us LIFE! I desire to LIVE. I desire to be free from the chains of insecurity and gluttony.
My plan is to love my body and treat it that way. If I loved my body and wanted to take care of it, would I want to eat a hamburger and cheese fries everyday? Probably not. I'm not going to say that I'm never going to eat the "bad stuff"...or the "good stuff" ;) I'm just saying that I'm going to be careful of what I eat and make healthier choices.
My grandma died of diabetes. My mom had a heart attack. I refuse to make poor decisions and to have a heart attack at the age of 54 and then let it take my life. It's already squeezed enough of life and Spirit out of me and I'm saying not another minute.
My prayer is that God would use me to touch hearts as you walk this journey with me. I don't know what this blog will look like. I'm throwing around some ideas of writing down everything I eat (to be accountable to people who read this...it would be embarrassing to let everyone know if I just ate 10 cinnamon rolls myself ya know?) and write down what I exercise everyday. I'll definitely write how Jesus is speaking to me through this.
"Why spend money on what is not bread, and labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live."
I'm embarrassed when I think of how much money I've spent on diet pills, fad body flushes, etc. Jesus called himself the "bread of life." I'm learning to let him fill me because most of the time I'm not eating to fill my physical hunger. I'm eating because it comforts me when I'm insecure. How backwards is that? I eat because I'm insecure, but then I gain weight and then I'm more insecure, etc.
If I love Jesus and love my body, I know my sweet Jesus, my Warrior will help me on this adventure!